so. so. much. at times it almost felt like too much.
like i was constantly waiting for the straw that would break the proverbial camel’s back.
for months this went on. building walls and barriers in parts of my life because i struggled to lift this 2500 lb. weight off my shoulders in another part of it. and it was all i could focus on. and i hated that. looking back- i hate it even more.
that i closed myself off to the point where i didn’t let you see the real me- because that would be too hard. that would be too honest, right? too real.
go figure. i isolated myself to try to solve a problem that required the support of everyone i cared about the most. wrong approach. i wasn’t happy, and the only place i could find peace, contentment, and a clear head was in yoga or while i was running. running has always been healing for me. with each step, each breath i took…that panicky feeling…the tears constantly threatening to spill over…began to go away. not entirely, but for that brief moment in time, the weight wasn’t quite so heavy.
i’ve been here before. and have lifted the weight. i can do it again, right? that’s what i tell myself at least. i don’t want to be this bitter, snarky, not so happy version of myself. i don’t like it. it’s not me. not by a longshot. but i’m trying. and making progress. i think…
i don’t truly know what lies ahead, the waves still come, but i feel like i’m better able to ride them now. and i’m excited about it.
really, genuinely excited 🙂
for the first time in months i feel like i have something to look forward to. 2000 of those 2500 pounds are now gone. and i’m happy (for the most part). and i’m good (for the most part).
and (for the most part) i’m ready to get back to running for the pure enjoyment of it and not just it’s therapeutic values…